The fears of a miscarriage mom

Here I sit at almost 12 weeks pregnant with such joy in my heart but fear in my mind. If you have never experienced a miscarriage this may confuse you. How can someone feel such different feelings at once?

Imagine carrying a child inside you, making a connection for 4 weeks, 9 weeks, 40 weeks but then finding out your child is never going to grow up with you in the life you have created and dreamed about bringing them into.

That is 3 seconds of what we feel.

Our pain is so real that we will carry it for our entire lives. I still have moments that I feel someone is missing. It has been 11 years since my first miscarriage.

The fears of a miscarriage mom during the rainbow baby pregnancy.

My miscarriage history

Over of course of my childbearing years I have lost more children than anyone would ever want to experience. I had my first one while in my first marriage and I still wonder what my child would be like. I am still healing over the words that were meant to be condolences. I have since lost four more children and the pain continues to get worse.

Letting go of fear

I don’t know that I will ever let go of all of the fear of having a miscarriage but I know there are things that I can do to help ease my fears. I take a moment each day to remember that I am ok. I am eating healthy and have a healthy lifestyle. I allow myself to be happy and not let fear take over my life. I don’t allow any vaccines or medications my body doesn’t need and have not been tested for use while pregnant.

I allow myself to be happy because no matter what happens I know that is my baby and that child was loved every single moment of its life. Doesn’t that help with something? Know you tried everything you could to make sure to have a healthy pregnancy lead to a happy and healthy child.

Parenting Struggles after a miscarriage

Whenever I have has a loss I have a hard time for a bit after. Sometimes I want to be alone and be able to process what just happens. I am an open book and tell my kids about the loss and that we still don’t have enough research to tell us what may have happened.

I take the time I need to heal but I still make time to be with my children. Sometimes we will just lay in bed watching movies and that is enough for all of us. Who doesn’t like extra cuddles?

11 week check-up

💗 Baby is continuing to grow and is the size of a lime.

💗 I’ve lost 2 lbs this pregnancy so far!

💙 My blood pressure is 117/79. Which is my normal just FYI.

💗 So far, I have have been very slack with my prenatal care. I go based on how I feel or if I remember.

💙 We heard the heartbeat this week when I decided to do one ultrasound to make sure everyone (not knowing how many babies) was doing ok.

💗 I pee a lot and when you work call center work, they don’t love the extra time off the phone. I do!

💙 I also seek a chiropractor to help aid in my health. Who knew having you back aligned could help so many things?

A special note**

Miscarriage for me is the worse thing that has ever happen. I am sitting here fighting back tears, not because I don’t want to cry but because this topic is so hard for me as it is for so many others. If you are dealing with a miscarriage or know someone who is just be there for them in the best way you can. Sometimes we don’t want to talk or be touched. We may ask why this happen but know there is no answer. Please don’t tell me everything happens for a reason or it wasn’t meant to be. Those are the worse things we can hear and don’t help us heal. I love you and know how hard this time is and I’m so serious if you need to talk send me a message. I am here and will answer your messages.

What are you excited to learn about when following our unassisted pregnancy journey?

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