My heart feels ache
Miscarriage is never something I wanted to experience. The heart-breaking loss of a child I never got to meet.
I wasn’t sure that I will ever post this but if I write it, then its written and it might be easier to just hit post.
A little background
In November 2005 I met a guy online, we went on a date and started dating. In April of 2006 we married and in March 2007 we got news that a baby was on the way. Just 8 weeks into my pregnancy I went to the hospital with bleeding that in the in bottom of my heart I knew wasn’t normal.
I called my then husband and asked him to meet me, I explained how scared I felt and, I was on the way to the hospital, I was losing the baby. He said he would try but he didn’t know if he could leave work. While I sat and waited for what seemed like forever but definitely a few hours, I continued to wonder. Will I never hold my baby?
The pain continues
The staff kept giving me water and ice chips to get a better view on the ultrasound. I was
told not to eat anything in case I needed to have surgery. I could hear the words, but I wasn’t processing it too well. I just wanted to be told everything was ok and I could go home. I wanted to flash forward and meet my child.
Sometime while I was at the hospital he showed up, with food for himself and sat next to me to eat. I never felt more alone than in that very moment. I prayed and asked whoever was listening to please help me in that very moment. I couldn’t lose my baby I hadn’t yet grown to love. Sadly, hours after waiting I was able to hear the heartbeat but it wasn’t as strong as it once was. The day before when at our visit I had heard a strong heartbeat, I knew time was coming, I knew I would lose my baby.
Will this pain ever stop?
I cried and cried even when told not to. I cried even when told it would be ok. I didn’t want to wait and see what would really happen. Every bone in my body told me it was happening. After a few hours I was told that there was nothing they could do. I was told to go home a stay on bed rest until my ob/gyn could see me, it was Friday, so I knew it wouldn’t be until Monday morning at the earliest.
Then the day I gave birth
A few days later of being on bed rest I lost my baby nine weeks into the pregnancy. I lost the one thing I wanted more than anything else in this world. I hated my husband at this point I couldn’t even look at him our anniversary of one year married had arrived and I didn’t care. I never felt so alone, I never felt so unloved. Shortly after this I asked for him to move out, I asked for a divorce.
My life has continued, and I have been blessed with children, but I will always have this void for the children I have lost due to the miscarriage.
If you have ever had a miscarriage or lost a baby and know the pain I feel free to share your story or to share mine. No parent should ever have to feel this way, this feel the pain of losing a child. Not everyone will understand but allow my story to be what helps them find the way.
Find support and make friends. People want to listen but we also know that asking about loss can be difficult.